Generally speaking, New Zealanders are not great at giving feedback in business. I have heard countless stories of either poorly given feedback – delivered without facts or suggestions for improvement, or in the form of a public berating (which is really bullying) – or no feedback at all.

Many people who have attended my workshops over the years have mentioned they don’t often get feedback at all, so they don’t really know how they are doing. This is a huge disservice to employees, who give their time and expertise to work in the organisation.  

In my experience, the higher people progress in an organisation, the less 1-on-1 feedback they receive. But just because a person is in middle/senior management, it certainly doesn’t mean they are fully competent on all occasions and don’t need wise counsel and input. Every managerial job description has some elements of managing and measuring performance of direct reports. It is simply not good enough not to invest time in delivering quality feedback to encourage better outputs and contributions from our people. Poorly delivered feedback targeted at pointing out faults rather than improving performance has no place. It says more about the manager’s sense of worth and control than it says about the direct report.

Not only is giving feedback hard, so is receiving it. When we hear the words ‘Can I give you some feedback?’ it triggers a deep part of our hindbrain – what is sometimes referred to as our ‘reptilian brain’. This primitive part of the brain served us well in ancient times, when we were frequently faced with life-or-death situations. It filled us with fear for our lives, and prepared us for fight or flight – either moving towards the problem and preparing for battle, or moving away as quickly as we could. It thrust us into action, at the necessary expense of measured thought.

In modern times, truly dangerous situations are rare, but our hindbrains still kick in whenever there is a perceived threat – such as incoming feedback. As we brace ourselves for a potentially negative experience, sometimes our ability to hear feedback in a calm and rational way is inhibited.

A few years ago, I agreed to referee a football game. I knew quite a bit (or so I thought!) about football, having played since I was five. During the game I ended up coaching as well as refereeing, as it was the first game of the season and there were some boys that clearly hadn’t played much.

After the game, the coach said, ‘Can I give you some feedback?’ My thoughts and emotions, which rose up very quickly, were of indignance and defensiveness. Before the coach had even given me the feedback, I was already mentally defending my position: What do you know about football? I’ve been playing for 38 years! Already I was in a ‘fight’ position, and it wasn’t even over something that serious! The feedback he gave me isn’t the point of the story. The point is, I became acutely aware of how powerful that part of the brain is, how quickly reactions can happen, and how, without awareness, our emotions can derail us.

Now apply that reaction to a work setting, where we actually care what our manager thinks! The reaction to feedback multiplies in intensity. All too often a well-intentioned attempt to improve a work situation can backfire and cause even more tension. Should we just say nothing? No, of course not. Good, honest conversation gives us the best possible opportunity for the best possible outcome. But we need to build the skills to give valuable feedback.  

I’ve included a link to a feedback tool I’ve found works well with managers and direct reports.